How I Spend My Days Now That I’m Super Rich

The richer you are, the longer your nap lengths are

5 min readMay 5


Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

3:33 A.M. Wake up

I didn’t become a trillionaire by sleeping all night. I like to wake up early, earlier than the Apple CEO, Tim Cook, who wakes up at 3:45 a.m. I wake up at 3:33 a.m. on the dot. The three 3s remind me of the euro signs, and I want to watch the euro signs first thing in the morning for the whole sixty seconds. Why? Because I can.

Also, I want to give false hope to the people that anyone can become a trillionaire if they wake up at 3:33 a.m.

3:34 A.M. Take a piss and get pissed off

I turn off the alarm at 3:34 a.m. I take a piss. I brush my teeth. I drink almond milk. A gallon, to be precise. That’s exactly how much super-rich people drink. You better be taking notes.

Then I go back to bed. I check Twitter. Some days, I reluctantly take a nap for 5 hours when the tweets I see are not intriguing/spicy enough. Some days, I voluntarily take a nap when nobody speaks highly of me in their replies to my tweets.

The richer you are, the longer your nap lengths are.

If I read tweets about me that piss me off, I take a piss again and check my emails. Whenever I’m pissed, I check my emails. It’s highly productive. Let me tell you something. You do not want to be in my Inbox when I’m pissed. If you show up, consider yourself dead and buried.

8:33 A.M. Eat breakfast or play golf

I had once eaten breakfast. All my trillionaire friends insisted I play golf with them. I’m a wonderful golfer. As wonderful as calves with five legs. But? I threw up all the food on the golf course, which pissed me off. There were no more emails to check, which, again, pissed me off.

I was so pissed I ended up taking a piss on the very golf course to take the piss. It was embarrassing — for my super-rich friends.

I promised myself that day I either eat breakfast or play golf in the morning. What did I have for breakfast? Poached eggs with broccoli, tomatoes, and wholemeal bread with eighteen pints of beer. It must be the bloody broccoli. I’m never…




Humorist | Absurdist | Naval Architect ⛵️