I’m Not Sorry I Can’t Make it to Your Wedding
My dearest (BFF/SISTER/LITERALLY ANYONE),
I can’t tell you how happy I was when I learned you two were finally getting married. Woo hoo! But? I’m not entirely sure you will be happy forever after getting married. Are you?
Thank you so very much for inviting me to your wedding. I genuinely don’t appreciate it.
Respectfully, I will not board a plane for your wedding. You might suggest a private jet. I suggest being serious. What am I, Logan Roy?
Also, why didn’t you send me a plus-one? Don’t tell me it’s purely because I’ve been single my whole life. Are you taking the piss? How dare you think I can’t even manage to find a date and convince her to go with me? Also? How naïve of you to think I want to go to your wedding in the first place?
First, I would need to buy a real plane ticket. I could tell you I was too poor to buy a plane ticket or I was too busy to board a plane. But the truth is, I would rather rent a private jet and go to the Sahara desert to recklessly go for a walk, or courageously go to my own hypothetical first wedding.
Second, I would need to buy a real gift for your wedding. I’ve been to sixteen weddings in my life. Out of sixteen, I…
