Today Is My Last Day On Earth

Do you want to play hero?



Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels

If you’re here to play hero saving my life, tough luck — because I have news for you:

I never die.

If the world is ending tonight because of global warming (It’s a thing. Look it up), I would still make it out alive, comfortably. I would be ordering pizza tomorrow and waiting for the pizza guy, wondering, “Where is my pizza? I’m famished. It’s my brunch time, bro.”

(Pizza and global warming. Andrew Tate and Greta Thunberg. See what I did there?)

If the world is ending tonight because of the zombie apocalypse (Please let this be a thing. I’m never looking it up, for my own sanity), many zombies would die, both figuratively and literally, to bring my pizza tomorrow for my brunch.

So what on Greta’s green earth is my deal?

“I will call Mom tomorrow.”

“Sorry, sis. Work has been hectic. I will call Mom this Saturday.”

“I totally forgot. I promise. I will call her on Sunday. In fact, I’m partying right now. I can’t hear you.”

Oh, the arrogance. The arrogance to assume you and your mom would be still alive on Sunday. The arrogance to take the most important things and people we love for granted.

“Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretense.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

A blogger wrote a list of things they would do if today was their last day (It’s a list. Of course, they wrote it.) In their list, they had this:

Have sex as often as possible.

I will quit my job.

I would spend all my money on dinner at an expensive restaurant.

Yes, PLEASE take everything the Marcus dude said literally.

Even if it was literal, call me asexual but sex would not even be the last thing on my mind. What can I say? I’m incredibly shallow.

Of course, nobody would expect you to do every single thing you’re supposed to do if today was your last…